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Fear of the dark: how to reassure your child
Fear of the dark is very common around ages 3 to 5, and there's nothing abnormal about it. At this age, a child struggles to tell the real from the imaginary: a shadow becomes a wolf. What helps isn't reasoning with them, but taking the fear seriously, setting up a calm routine, and leaving them a reassuring marker, like a night-light.
Why is my child afraid of the dark?
Because their imagination is running at full tilt, and they still lack a filter. Naître et grandir, a Quebec parenting reference site, explains it simply: a young child “does not yet tell very well what is real and what is not”. In the dark, they can't see their room clearly, so they fill in the gaps. Clothes on a chair become a ghost. The rumble of the heating becomes a monster.
That's why you can't sweep the fear away with “no, there's nothing there.” For them, in that moment, there is something. “The ghost they say they see in their room is very real”, Naître et grandir notes. “So they feel genuine fear imagining it.” Around age 3, the most common fears are precisely those of the dark, of monsters, and of sounds they can't identify.
Should this fear be taken seriously?
Yes, and that's actually the most important point. “To overcome their fears, your child needs you to take their fears seriously and to reassure them”, writes Naître et grandir. The idea isn't to confirm that a monster exists, but to confirm that they are afraid, which isn't the same thing.
Naître et grandir even suggests a ready-made little phrase to keep in mind on difficult evenings: “I understand that this scares you and that you can't sleep. We're going to look together at how to make this fear go away.” You then help them tell the difference between what's dangerous and what isn't. That sense of safety, the site adds, “gives them the courage they need to face and overcome their fears”.
Night-light: good idea or bad idea?
More of a good idea, as long as you give the child control over it. Naître et grandir advises: “Set up a night-light to reassure them. There's no need to turn it on every time. It's better to let your child choose whether to use it or not.” A flashlight kept nearby also works very well. The child who decides whether or not to switch it on regains a little control, and that's precisely what soothes.
The French national health insurance (Assurance Maladie) points the same way: “the presence of a night-light in the room can be useful to reassure the child.” It adds a technical caveat worth knowing, especially for the youngest: “don't use a night-light fitted with LED light for a baby. They can disrupt their sleep cycles”. For the exact choice of device, your pharmacist or doctor can guide you.
“The Night the Moon Disappeared”
A gentle story, screen-free, where the dark becomes a calm and friendly place. You handle the cuddle, Tilibou handles the voice.
Listen to the storyWhich little strategies for the evening?
No need to do everything at once. Pick what speaks to your child, and stick with it for a few evenings. Here are some leads that Naître et grandir recommends:
- Set up a calm routine: story, soft music, a little massage, a bath. It helps the child shed the day's tensions.
- Put them to bed at the same time every evening: “having a routine reassures your child.”
- Listen to what frightens them without ridiculing it, “even if it doesn't seem founded to you.”
- Leave the bedroom door ajar: “it can reassure them to hear you carry on with your activities.”
- Remind them that the house is safe, and that a night-light is waiting if they need it.
One detail that matters: Naître et grandir suggests avoiding, just before bedtime, “discussions, activities, stories or games that risk exciting or worrying them an hour before bedtime”. The last hour is best kept gentle.
And monster stories, should we avoid them?
Not at all, and that's good news. Asked about this, Naître et grandir answers: “No. Stories featuring characters that can be scary (e.g. monster, witch, wolf) allow children to name the emotions they feel when faced with these characters.” Because tales often end well, the child can identify with the hero and “thus overcome their fear”.
Just one precaution: choose stories full of humour, and avoid telling scary ones right before sleep, “so as not to reawaken their fear”. And if your child keeps asking for the same story? No need to worry, it “can be a sign that they're taming their fear”.
The questions you may have
Should I check under the bed to reassure them?
Once, with them, why not. But Naître et grandir warns: “If you do it every time, you're telling them they're right to be afraid.” Better to calmly remind them that monsters only exist in books and films, and that the house is safe.
At what age does fear of the dark go away?
It varies from child to child. Bedtime fears are mainly present around ages 3 to 5, then ease as the child grows. If the fear stays very intense, persistent and takes over the nights despite your efforts, talk to your doctor or pediatrician.
My child wants to sleep with the main light on: what should I do?
Offer a night-light or a flashlight they control themselves instead, which is gentler for sleep. The idea is to leave them a reassuring light marker, without lighting the room like broad daylight.